he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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