you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
