I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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