My hand turned me down
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
