Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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