I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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