Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
