Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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