Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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