Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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