dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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