My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize