He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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