eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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