Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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