I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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