I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
