The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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