Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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