I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
