btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
