I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Four minutes until I can fart!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
