I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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