I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
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I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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