toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
