did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
