do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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