I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
