Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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