I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
