no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
