we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I need moral support for this bender
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
