JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
