I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
