Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
