I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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