i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
