You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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