I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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