woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Your cock deserves a montage
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
