Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I am naked and annoyed.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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