Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
