it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
