After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
