I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
