I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
