I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
