What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
