i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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