please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
