He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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