My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
