I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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