I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
