I feel great
I just peed on a car
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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