hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
