My first STD was from a foam party
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm getting married
To pizza
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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